Tomorrow I dive off the diving board. It’s the first day of my new “job” as Classical Conversations director, the first day of our new community, the first day of being thought of as in charge. There’s a part of me in panic overdrive. Full on freak out. An introverted soul curled up in the corner of a padded room saying this is all a dream, this is all a dream. Then there’s this other part of me…the one that fools people into thinking I’m an extrovert, the one which stares out with supreme confidence and declares I can do this!
Guess what? They are both wrong. I’m taking the opportunity to call bs on both of them. Because, full on freak out me is not walking in the faith that God has brought this and will equip me for this in His strength. And, the overly confident me is not walking in the humility that God asks of us in all that we do for Him. Both of them are horribly wrong. One allows fear to overrule the power and grace of God while the other shuns the power and grace of God in favor of its own. It’s schizophrenia of the soul.
Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that makes it hard to: Tell the difference between what is real and not real;…
The difference between what is real and what is not. Ever thought of your spiritual battle that way? I hadn’t. Not really. But the bottom line is I’m a soul schizophrenic. Both tendencies in my personality look at what is not real. They exclude (intentionally or not) what is real. God is real. His grace is real. I need to walk in Him and in grace every moment of my life. Emotional highs and lows are perceptions, not truth. His Word is truth.
The truth is God will provide. Feast or famine…He is in control. My best efforts still need grace. My worst moments have grace already provided. My hope comes from the Lord alone.
Into the deep end we go.