Just a bit anti-social…

I know.  It’s been a while.  But if you’d look across my facebook page…well, you’d know the ol’ blog isn’t the only thing that’s been gathering cob-webs.

I’m in a bit of an anti-social media funk.

Time is getting a bit more precious as I’m juggling some bigger challenges.  My kids are engaging more time as we wrestle (literally at times) over school work and staying on task.  My computer use has been dominated by house research (which is pretty much NOT happening) or the work I do for Classical Conversations.

Sometimes, life is bigger than a blog post.  Or a facebook status.  Sometimes, I just can’t make the words come together in a logical way.  And honestly, there’s enough posts and blogs out there with confident, the-sun-is-always-shining moments documented for all to see.  Maybe I just wanted to keep my moments…well, mine.

Maybe a bit selfish.  But, sometimes I’m like that.  It won’t last forever, and as this whirlwind of thoughts and enjoyments settle down…I’ll be back.

Eyes tightly shut

I keep shutting my eyes.  The glow of my computer screen over the last few days has been quite the strain.  Or maybe I just want to hide from grown up decisions that have overwhelmed me this week.  If I close my eyes tight enough…maybe I’ll wake up…maybe it’ll all magically be done and perfect.  Maybe.

Or not.

What on earth am I talking about?  Big things, my friend.  Big things.  It first started as a journey to refinance our home…saving a few bucks and enjoying a bit of a break.  Then we thought, well, we could replace our flooring and roll that into our new loan.  We’ve lived in our home for almost 5 years and honestly, our flooring needed to be done when we bought it.  Life changes priorities and we held on tight during some rough times.  So, golden opportunity right?  Ummm…have you priced flooring?  WOW.  I know I can get some clearance deal.  But we’re not looking to replace the floor for another 10 years so we know better than getting el cheapo whatever.  With 3 kids, you kind of look more at long-term durability than what is the cheapest thing I can find.  So when we realized just how much we were talking about, we starting seriously questioning if it wasn’t better to try to sell and buy a new home nearby. We have known that while the size of our home is suitable for our family forever, we have been unsatisfied with its location on a high traffic road.  We didn’t realize this until after we purchased the home and it’s only gotten worse.  This might be a better option.

So now we are seriously looking at selling our first home.  Gasp.  I don’t know how to do this.  I’ve been pouring over tips and tricks and how to’s for the last 3 days.  I’ve searched home values, new home values and narrowed down options.  I’ve attempted to find out reviews on realtors while my husband gathers information from the bank.  Nothing’s official.  There’s no sign up in my yard.  But this may happen and I’m terrified. I’m terrified of making a huge mistake.  I’m terrified of not taking the opportunity.  I am absolutely cringing at the thought of cleaning out, consolidating, packing, and showing my home.  I’m going to do this with 3 kids with me all day?  How do I do this with our home schooling schedule?  Are we insane to even think it?

(eyes tightly shut)

Sigh.  I don’t know.  There’s no handbook to know if what we are thinking is right, wrong, good or bad.  From the counsel I’ve received, all we can do is try.  Try to sell it.  Know how low you can go before it’s not worth moving.  Get as much information as you can, praying every step of the way and trust Him who knows all.  This, as frightening as it is to me, doesn’t frighten God.  We’re not surprising Him.  Maybe it’ll be a mistake, maybe not, but either way, keeping my eyes on Him means whatever happens He controls.  And when I forget that, there’s grace.  To breathe.  To cry.  To be exhausted.  To not know the next step.  It’s ok.  He’s got me.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it. (Psalm 139:1-6, ESV)

Broken Promises…

“Mommy, you still haven’t sewn my monkey!”

“You said you’d make me a new jean skirt!  I loooooved that skirt!”

“But you said I could go play at the park today…”

“You haven’t made the yummy bread in FOR-E-VER!”

Sound familiar?  Maybe it’s just me.  As my kids have gotten older, I’m realizing they remember more than I do.  Call it mom brain.  Honey-do list overload.  Stay at home mom apathy.  Homeschool frantics.  Broken promises and forgotten dreams.

I never intend to forget the stuffed animal repair (for uh…6 months???) or think about what I say can happen later that day only to find myself six steps behind my agenda for the day.  I have great goals and aspirations of being a better mom….yet I still find myself mentally checked out at 6pm.  Video games? Sure.  Netflix?  Go ahead.  Just don’t fight, argue or talk to me because Mommy is done.

I’m not coping well.  My current failures with this new season of life transition.  All three kids homeschooling, CC Director, a 4th Grader in her first year of Essentials and my husband gone for 36 hours in a row 3 times a week has made it abundantly clear to me I need grace.  Oh, I knew it would be a tough transition.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew I’d be exhausted.  Somehow, I just thought by now I’d be better at it.

Yet in this I have seen how vastly different I am as a frail, sinful, human mother and how perfect my heavenly Father is.  He never forgets His promises.  He is not overloaded, or filled with apathy.  He doesn’t check out at 6pm.  Instead, He whispers in His Word

Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters;
And you who have no money come, buy and eat.
Come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without cost.
“Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.

It’s Him I need.  I can’t be the perfection I desire for my children.  I can ever only be just frail, human, mom.  I can’t be everything for them.

It’s Him they need.  Not supermom.  Not Wonder Woman.  Not June Cleaver.  Even as I can aspire to being a better mom, their need isn’t for me.  It’s for their perfect Father.  And if each one of my failures can point and show off His perfection…then my ashes can be beautiful indeed.

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. (Isaiah 61:3, ESV)

Dear Lego…

Dear Lego,

I admit that I curse your name in the dark of night when I step on your hidden form.  I confess that I have occasionally  frequently vacuumed you as you sit there instead of picking you up.  I have been the woman who has broken her vow to never again spend so much money on so tiny of a thing.  And yet…

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I really do love you.  I love you for the way you provide my children with endless constructive opportunities.  I love that your Lego heads have different faces.  I love that instead of legs, you can get mermaid tails, to the delight of little girls everywhere.  I love that you have built your empire of comic book, pop culture, civil hero and animal characters. I adore your blocky form…a Lego shark is just so awesome.  While I may hate being called upon as a parent to find Iron Man’s helmet in the midst of 3,000 pieces or hunt diligently for that single replacement piece to complete the set I accidentally on purpose vacuumed a week ago, I love you.  You bring sanity to rainy days, hurricane days, too hot to be outside days.  You provide the ability for my children to be Godzilla in the midst of the town they created without damaging my house, going to jail or being forever grounded.  I love you even if I have to bring out sharp pointy objects to help them get those itty-bitty pieces un-stuck.  I promise that is under my supervision at all times.

You are number one from the minute kids stop putting toys in their mouth.  Creative.  Educational.  Fun.  Non-electronic.  Where would my days as mom be without you, Lego?  I hope I never have to find out…

Forever yours,

Mother of 3