Beautiful mess

My life is a mess.  As in where are my shoes, grab a cereal bar for the day, and drive everywhere so the chores never get done mess.  Or the house is so grungy I have to spend the whole day cleaning mess.  Or the kids are bored and driving me crazy mess.   Or the hide in the closet and hope it all goes away mess.

It’s a hard place.  It’s so easy to be discontented and want something different.  Anything different.  In the last few months I’ve longed for a new home, a job to get away from my kids, a nanny, a housekeeper, a private vacation….everything.  A discontented and frenzied mom is a scary thing.

Fortunately, I have an Advocate.  Even when I’m so heart-ugly, even in the drought, He cautions me:  Don’t make big decisions in this heart-state.  Don’t forget Me.  I AM with you.  

Mommy-hood is all about change.  Chaos.  Love.  Selflessness.  Just when you think you have a stage down, a new one begins.  And a new stage means lots of failures.  Lots of self-doubt.  Nights thinking I have totally screwed up my children and it can never be repaired.  Days looking at other families and comparing yourself to them.

I struggle here.  I’m in the stage I swore I’d never be in.  That mom who spends most of her day shuttling children around here and there (you spend how much in gas?).  Or going to the grocery store twice (or three times) a week (haven’t you heard about meal-planning?). The mom who can’t seem to pull it together to make a home cooked dinner (preservatives are soooo bad for you!).  The mom who has to have a two-week notice to get together with friends (oh wait…what are friends?).

But there is beauty here.  My hours of shuttling my dancing girl gave me opportunity to speak the gospel into a difficult situation.  My hours of working as a CC director have given me opportunities to meet new families and share God’s grace and love for their encouragement.  It’s given me opportunity to use some of my gifts to good purpose for more people.  My few nights with my husband has caused us to use them wisely, being more intentional to cultivate our marriage.  The growth spurts that have caused me to live in the grocery store and my husband to live at work, has revealed healthy and strong children.  That eat their veggies.

So in the midst of the hustle and bustle, the struggle, the long hours, and the slipping friendships that I can’t seem to stop…things may be a mess.  But I cling to the fact the He makes it a beautiful mess.  And I can trust and rest in Him.

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