Over the years I’ve watched a few DIY home improvement shows. I’ve laughed as the one project morphs into this nine month, six project, ten thousand dollar over budget extravaganza. And now…the laughs on me.
Because, apparently, home improvement projects snow ball. You start with a child’s move to a new room. In moving said child, you uncover some of the horrors of homeownership. Moldy carpets and a wall that most likely needs gutting and repair. But then you find those external factors causing said moldiness and know well, that needs repair too. So then, you double-check other rooms. Find out that another room is affected from said moldy yuk and will need new carpet and wall repair. And well, shoot, if you’ve got two rooms that need this then you should go ahead and claim it on insurance. And if insurance is going to cover that then shouldn’t you use your refinance money to finish new floors through-out the home? Well, if you do that, and your refinancing anyway, and your still way under your refi budget, shouldn’t you put in new counter tops? New or newly painted cabinets? A new sink?
If you give a mouse a cookie….
Yep. I get it now. I get how one thing turns into this giant snow ball rushing to bowl you over. And do we have to do all this? No. And maybe we won’t. But if the bank isn’t going to let us put some of our refi money into consolidating debt, then our requested amount gets significantly lower. And since it costs 5K in closing costs anyway, shouldn’t we do the most we can within our budget? Aren’t there any directions for these kinds of things??? I guess not, since HGTV wouldn’t be making their big money on home improvement shows where everyone succumbs to this type of snow ball effect.
Thus says the LORD, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters, who brings forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:16-19 ESV)
So…this is where I find myself. Life has been a wilderness for me lately. My heart has been a desert. I’m still waist deep in unpacking so many things from this past year of homeschooling trials, family health crisis, and the loss of close friends. I’m also walking into the wilderness of a new church home, the sorrow of leaving one that was/is loved but needing something different in its expression for my family. For myself. Because sometimes you have a different path to walk. Not negating the truths of scripture, not denying what has been, but realizing that God can do a new thing.
It’s been really hard. My heart has been hard for a long time. This year, with so much bottled up because I just didn’t know how to say it/write it/feel it…I’ve just not had much of a place to wade through so much change. In the past year, I have grieved over Isaac’s dyslexic/dysgraphic disabilities. I’ve fought diligently and often times, blindly, to re-build his confidence and bring him to a point where reading can and does happen. I’ve grieved/panicked/prayed/begged/praised God during my brother’s sudden tumor shock and subsequent surgery and remission. I’ve looked on with sorrow as a dear friend left town and another just…left. And in looking at the subsequent landscape of life and heart…it’s safe to say I feel like I cannot rise, that I am extinguished and quenched. But I anxiously hope for the One who does a new thing.
With a new school year beginning, a new church to explore, and, please, Lord willing…new friends, fresh faith, a soft heart and a greater love of those lost around me, I’m trusting Him with my path. I feel like I’ve disappointed a thousand people. I don’t want to feel that guilt anymore. I’m tired of trying to please so many people. I’ve worked in vain to be someone I’m not. So I’m hoping to set my eyes on Him, to learn who I am in Him again. To learn and walk and understand this new path and rejoice in Him who has set me upon it.
It’s time for a big overhaul here.
I think I was a bit overzealous when I started blogging. Like most new bloggers, the idea of my words being seen by many and having others make comments was a bit of a heady experience. I wanted to blog a lot. I wanted to be read and known for having something to say. And I enjoyed it, because I had a lot to say.
But after a while, it became harder to say stuff that would appeal to the masses. And over the last year, my greatest desire has been to have a place to write and share freely amongst family and friends things I may not want to air out to the public. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing offensive. Just not public. And trying to sift through the things I want to share publicly became a harder thing to do as I was continually concerned with how will this come across?
So I’m re-evaluating blogging. I had to ask myself, what am I doing this for? In the end, I’m doing it for myself…because I like to write. I like to write all the stuff jumbled in my head and heart because then it helps things make sense to me. I like having my close friends and family know the stuff that is going on…because we share life. I’m doing it so there’s something my kids can see later. Stuff that isn’t in the home-videos or picture albums because it isn’t pretty. Lastly, I’m doing it for my friends and family. We’re scattered all over the place, and I am not a phone conversation person. But I like you knowing, really knowing, what’s going on in our little corner of the globe. Perhaps it’s a bit presumptuous of me that you want to know what’s going on, but it makes me happy to do so.
So, I’m making my blog world a little smaller. Invite only. I’m hoping for the time to re-vamp its look to just be much more simple, since I’m not trying to bring strangers on-board. Hopefully, by doing this, I can let go of the bottle-neck of thoughts and ideas and life stuff that I’m dying to get out on paper without constantly worrying if I’m offending someone or will be misunderstood. Or if it’s too private to be made public. Or if I’m allowing the ‘social’ media mentality to invade too much.
So let’s give this a whirl!