Thus says the LORD, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters, who brings forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:16-19 ESV)
So…this is where I find myself. Life has been a wilderness for me lately. My heart has been a desert. I’m still waist deep in unpacking so many things from this past year of homeschooling trials, family health crisis, and the loss of close friends. I’m also walking into the wilderness of a new church home, the sorrow of leaving one that was/is loved but needing something different in its expression for my family. For myself. Because sometimes you have a different path to walk. Not negating the truths of scripture, not denying what has been, but realizing that God can do a new thing.
It’s been really hard. My heart has been hard for a long time. This year, with so much bottled up because I just didn’t know how to say it/write it/feel it…I’ve just not had much of a place to wade through so much change. In the past year, I have grieved over Isaac’s dyslexic/dysgraphic disabilities. I’ve fought diligently and often times, blindly, to re-build his confidence and bring him to a point where reading can and does happen. I’ve grieved/panicked/prayed/begged/praised God during my brother’s sudden tumor shock and subsequent surgery and remission. I’ve looked on with sorrow as a dear friend left town and another just…left. And in looking at the subsequent landscape of life and heart…it’s safe to say I feel like I cannot rise, that I am extinguished and quenched. But I anxiously hope for the One who does a new thing.
With a new school year beginning, a new church to explore, and, please, Lord willing…new friends, fresh faith, a soft heart and a greater love of those lost around me, I’m trusting Him with my path. I feel like I’ve disappointed a thousand people. I don’t want to feel that guilt anymore. I’m tired of trying to please so many people. I’ve worked in vain to be someone I’m not. So I’m hoping to set my eyes on Him, to learn who I am in Him again. To learn and walk and understand this new path and rejoice in Him who has set me upon it.