Que the epic

….fail, that is.

Have I mentioned I’m not juggling well these days?  Has my misery over my plodding…and re-plodding…and oh my gosh, where’s my coffee, I can’t deal with this today? been obvious?  I feel like the heel of the bread loaf that’s been forgotten in the pantry and is so unappealing that even mold spores won’t grow on it.

In my dream of dreams I can throw out this old, dry, wrinkly and gross model and upgrade to the new me.  But in reality, that dry yucky toast that is me, is trying to learn and do everything.  I am failing epically!  The last 2 weeks have been, I don’t care how many cartoons you watch at 6:30 in the morning, but if you wake me up to make you breakfast there is going to be some pain in this house!  It’s been realizing my son has been playing video games for 2 hours…eeehhh that’s ok, isn’t it?  It’s been looking at all the little fuzzies on my floor and thinking I will have time to vacuum tomorrow.  I kinda had a burn out and went a bit I don’t care over a lot of stuff that I really do care about.  So now, I’m trying to work my way slowly out of the yuck.  To reclaim a schedule for myself and for my kids.  To actually do the homeschooling we need to do.  To write again, read again and just have fun again!

Sometimes, you have to fail big.  Maybe you need to stay there for a few, just allowing sanity to return to the dazed and confused parts of you.  Just don’t stay there.  Grab that coffee and run towards something epic.  Even if it’s just tackling that mound of laundry waiting for you.

Failing Faith

I have been inundated lately with some very disheartening things.  You probably have too.  Finding rust in the washer and dryer and needing replacements.  Going to floss my teeth and finding I broke a molar when we’re still trying to pay off my last 2 root canals.

There’s nothing better at making me feel valueless than the stupid downs of life.  Within the space of a single 24 hour period, I went from joyfully resting in the shadow of God’s wings to anxiety, worry and a frantic 2am job hunt for something I can do to contribute to these financially draining events.

The truth is painful to admit.  My faith is evidenced by the crisis in my bank account…or I should say, my lack of faith.  Now, I’m not preaching a prosperity gospel here.  History and current events are a testimony to the simple fact that the price of faith and obeying the Lord is most often one of poverty and persecution in many forms.  And, let’s be completely honest…I have a washer and dryer and an appointment with the dentist tomorrow.  I’m not in poverty.  But my lack of faith in where God has me, in what He’s already called me to be, and how He’s already called me to live, was immediately abandoned in the midst of crisis.  This is a painful realization that, even after so many years, tests and trials, I still seek what is comfortable over Him.  And when things are not comfortable, I seek to change those things, even to the point of considering to change what I know is true.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. (James 1:5-8 ESV)

Instead of seeking an immediate change of circumstances, or letting worry and anxiety rob me of peace and rest, I should have been seeking wisdom.  Not the vain wisdom I gave…which was a few desperate prayers while I was seeking instant changes I could perform to make the crisis go away.  No, I was exactly the double-minded, unstable woman God cautions against.  I was seeking a quick rescue and when not supplied, I sought one of my own making.

I am so thankful that in spite of my double-mindedness, He is single-minded in His pursuit of me.  I am never so lost to sin that His love, forgiveness and blood hasn’t paid and covered me.  With great sorrow over my lack of faith, I can cry “give me more faith” (Mark 9:24) and know He will give it.  I don’t know the answers to our unplanned financial woes, but I know the One who does.  And that is better than any financial security.